Say what! A Harry Potter crackfic
by LazySlashFan
Summary: Just a silly little drabble me and some friends concocted. Warning: Contains teachers acting in bad bad OOC ways


A/N: At first this was gonna be a Snarron, but then I decided I'd rather not write any smut for now. For anyone who's never heard the word, a Snarron is a Snape/Harry/Ron. I came up with the idea for this story with a couple of friends during lunch and decided to share it with all of you. Aren't I nice? This is one of my first fics, so don't be too harsh please.

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At first it was a typical Monday morning at Hogwarts for Harry and Ron. Suffering through double Potions class had gotten to be routine, and the two boys were trying their best not to fall asleep lest their least (try saying that ten times fast) favorite teacher, Severus Snape, caught them and cooked up a devious new punishment for detention. While the tall black-haired man had his back turned to them to go bother some other Gryffindors, Ron scribbled a note and passed it to Harry. "For someone who's _so_ good at making potions, why doesn't he cook up a magical shampoo?" the note said, eliciting a giggle from Harry.

"And what exactly would be so funny Mr. Potter?" said Snape, turning on his heel to face Harry and Ron with a look of utter contempt.

"Oh, um, nothing sir", muttered Harry.

"Nothing? Hmmm, we'll see. _Accio Note!_

To Harry and Ron's horror, the note Ron had scribbled flew out from between them to land squarely in Snape's palm, where he read the note, turning an almost Uncle-Vernon-worthy shade of purple.

"Ah, as I suspected, passing notes to Mr. Potter in class, hmm Mr. Weasley? Detention for both of you in my office after classes", snarled Snape as he pointed his wand to the offending note and it crumbled into dimly glowing ashes.

Later that evening the boys walked down the hall to Snape's office, Ron apologizing profusely with Harry angrily ignoring him. Before they even got up to the door, they heard Snape's voice telling them to enter. Taking this as an ill omen for how the rest of the night was bound to be, they apprehensively entered the room.

"_Colloportus_…_Muffliato_," incanted Snape as soon as they were inside, causing the hairs on both boys' necks to stand on end. "Sit down," instructed Snape, pointing to two chairs in front of his desk.

The two did as they were told while looking around at the unpleasant room they were stuck in. There were all sorts of vials and canisters on the shelves as usual, but also a few smaller tubes and containers that they were too nervous to inspect very closely.

Ron, however, did not fail to notice the rather large cauldron that was also in the room with them. I wonder what that could possibly be used for, he thought to himself. It looks too big for your usual potion-brewing. "P-Professor, w-what exactly do you make in th-that big cauldron over there?" asked Ron.

Harry looked at him with an obvious look of shock on his face. I'll never figure you out Ron, he thought, amazed at his daring. You get petrified at the mere mention of spiders, yet you have the guts to ask awkward questions of Snape. Personally, I'd take the spiders any day.

Harry promptly got pulled back to the situation at hand when he heard Ron gasp and stutter, "Wh-wh-what did y-y-you say, P-Professor?"

"You asked me what I make in my giant, man-sized cauldron, and so I told you. Love. I make love in my cauldron. And that is why I told you two to come here tonight," replied Snape in a low husky whisper that left no doubt as to whether or not this was all a joke.

"But Professor, surely you're joking," exclaimed Harry.

(Okay, so maybe someone i doesn't i have a clue.)

"Harry and Ron, I want to make love to you in my giant man-sized cauldron."

"B-but Professor…"

"Get in the cauldron boys," said Snape, reaching for one of the tubes on the shelf.

"HELL NO!" they shouted in unison. "_STUPEFY!_"

Snape went flying backwards and hit a shelf with a wireless on it. The wireless fell to the floor and started playing, of all things, "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love" by Celestina Warbeck, a fact which undoubtedly left more than a few mental scars on Harry and Ron.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Interlude of Harry and Ron busting outta there and running like hell xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As they stopped to catch their breath, Ron gasped out, "Whew, bloody hell, what was that all about?"

"I don't have a clue, but I think I might kill your mum next time I hear her singing Warbeck," Harry answered back, making them both laugh in spite of themselves.

"What's all this racket?!" thundered a familiar growling voice, startling the teens.

"Oh hello Professor Moody. Harry was just telling a joke, that's all".

"Hmmm…a joke, eh? Goodness knows I could use some enjoyment. Maybe you two comedians should drop by my office later. I'm sure I'd appreciate you two showing off your…talents".

On this last word, Moody's magical eye lingered for a moment first below Ron's belt, then below Harry's.

"Um, no thank you. I think we'll be going now…ah screw it. HARRY, RUN FOR IT!"

Once again, the boys escaped from one of their pervy teachers, leaving said teacher sighing to himself. "Man what's the point of having a man-sized chest if no one else ever comes in to use it..."

_Finis (for now?)_

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A/N: Okay, so that was definitely not my best writing, but I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with it. Helpful criticism is most welcome. Flames will be given to Snape to heat his cauldron muahahaha.


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